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I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie F150” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world. You’ll take her home with dual 3x5’ American Flag that flies in the bed and the smell of America dangling from the rear view mirror. She even boasts a Red, Silver, and Blue paintjob.
If you are not a "man's man", then go ahead and hit the back button on your browser because this truck is only for a real man! This truck is so manly that sometimes when I was on the way home from the elementary school both of my brothers and I sprouted full beards and thick chest hair. That’s right, I grew up waving the American flag from the bed of this 2001 F150. I remember the day Daddy signed for it at the dealership and I chose my throne of greatness in the backseat. That was a time of prominence for America, when gas was $1.14 a gallon. So don’t complain to me when you find out that she only gets 14 miles per gallon and Sam Hunt has the chance to come on the radio while you’re rocking to some country music.
Let's face it, this truck does not have a perfect paint job or a clean spray-in bed liner. It’s a 16 year old truck. It even has its own driver’s license. That's because while all of the other yuppie truck drivers were going back and forth to their office job with their vanilla caramel skinny no fat girly latte, this testosterone filled beast was hauling lumber and bags of concrete to job sites on the week days and foraging deep into the woods of Northern Michigan, hauling the carnage of a good morning hunting, with my bare hands. The only real body damage on this truck is 1 small dent by the rear window on the driver’s side from a grizzly bear attack. (That part is actually true, this truck was attacked by a bear.) Needless to say, Mom now has a nice bear skin rug in front of her fireplace! All the rust that Fords are known for has either been replaced or prevented. I cut out the old rocker panels and welded in new ones and filled them with waterproof foam. The wheel wheels in the bed were also replaced with some good old American steel.
This truck was engineered by elite American Truck Specialists (Ford) to serve the needs of a true adrenaline junkie. The cloth seats in this truck are made from only the best cotton in Georgia because no regular cloth will do. There is an automatic transmission, cruise control and sliding rear window, which is great if you ever find yourself being chased by Al Qaeda terrorists, you can stand up through the window and take them out with your AR-15! Also included are double layered all-weather floor mats to catch the tears of your passengers that aren't manly enough to drive.
This truck comes with a 5.4L V8 and 4x4 drive that will outrun cops and out pull any other truck on the road. The exhaust is loud enough to register a 19.0 on the Richter scale at the San Andreas Fault, dropping California into the ocean. Those hippies wouldn’t even let this truck be registered in that state anyways, so hopefully I’m right about that. Her CB Radio and dual whips will let you talk to God when you’re driving down the dirt roads of the countryside.
My price on this American Marvel is an incredibly low $6,500, but I will entertain reasonable offers. Please don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to cause the honey badgers nesting under the hood of this beast to crawl out and maul you until you are unrecognizable.
There are only 190,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your Machievements. (Macho Achievements). Don’t think you’re walking away with 100% of this truck when you buy it. Before we shake hands, I’m going to take a few things off the truck to remember it by. Unless you want to talk about it, I’m going to take the cab visor, hood, tires, and radio out. I’ll put the stock radio back in and make sure you have a nice set of wheels to go tear up a cornfield with. The holes in the roof will be patched and sealed. I have the stock hood that will bolt back on.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in a bottle of Krazy Glue. I cover my palms with it every day before I grip the steering wheel. It's just my way of combating the stampede of horses that takes place every time you touch the gas pedal. I also have the original window sticker, dealership paperwork, clean title, and maintenance records and fuel fillups from the past two years. Important info if you’re looking for the cleanest and strongest F150 this side of the Mississippi.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's an uber-confident super-human Clint Eastwood type, then contact me. If I don't answer, and I probably won't, please leave me a message because I am probably out chopping down California Redwoods, or spearfishing for sharks. I will review all messages via my weekly conference call with Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood and return calls of only those who are worthy of this beast. If you’re not going to take care of her, you don’t deserve to drive it for another 200,000 miles.
04-05-2016, 09:11 AM
