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Old 07-30-2016, 02:54 PM   #1
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A jumper cable walks into a bar and asks for a drink......



























The bar tender says, "ok, but don't start anything." Bwhahahhaha
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Old 07-30-2016, 02:58 PM   #2
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words
And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
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Old 07-30-2016, 03:25 PM   #3
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A nun was sitting in an airport terminal waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and found one of those weight machines that tells you your fortune. Bored and curious, she walked over, stuck a nickel in and hopped on the scale.


It read "You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago". She wasn't amused. She figured it spit out the same card for everyone.


Her curiosity got to her and she walked over to try it again. This time, it read "You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, and you will play the fiddle"... "No way" she thought; "I haven't played a musical instrument in my life!"


A short time later, a musician sat down next to her with a case holding a fiddle. Without a second thought, she pulled it out and started playing the fiddle like a pro. Surprised and dumbfounded, she was determined to try the machine again.


This time, the machine read "You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to break wind" ... She gasped, thinking "I've never broken wind in public in my life!!" As she stepped off the machine, thinking it was BS at this point, she slipped on the tile floor, fell and broke wind.


At this point she was completely hooked on this machine. She went back a third time, stepped on the scale, put in the nickel and waited anxiously to see her fortune. This time it read "You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago"
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Old 07-30-2016, 03:31 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minniehill2 View Post
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!" "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
nice!
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Old 07-31-2016, 11:20 AM   #5
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Man finds a bottle in the sand on a beach. Rubs it, and a genii emerges.

Genii: Ok you got me, but we're on a tight budget, you only get 1 wish...

Man: OK, well...I've a real (F150) driving enthusiast, and I also love Hawaii. I've always dreamed of being able to drive to Maui. So I'd like a multi-lane, no speed limit freeway from California to Maui so I can indulge my passion.

Genii: Wow, that is a tough one. Do you realize the engineering challenges in doing that? Ocean depths, strong enough for storms, refueling facilities, gaps for ships to pass...I know I said you can have 1 wish, but could you reconsider and come up with something else?

Man: Well OK then, I've always been mystified by the differences between men and women and why we think and act the way we do. So I'd like to really know what makes women tick and have an understanding on why we think and act differently.

Genii: Hmmmm......................how many lanes did you say you wanted?
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Old 07-31-2016, 06:38 PM   #6
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Somewhere, back in the hills of West Virginia, a mountain boy named Clem, met and fell in love with a mountain girl. One thing led to another, and eventually he asked her to marry him. She agreed, but first, he had to ask his mountain daddy if he could.
So Clem goes and asks. His Daddy asked if she could cook, "Wa yassir", said Clem.
"Good", said Daddy, "But can she milk a coaw, and butcher hawg?"
"Wa yassir", replied Clem.
Great", said Daddy. "One last question, is she is a virgin?"
"Wall yassir!",beamed Clem.
"Wall, that there settles it", said Daddy. "You caint marry her. Ifn she ain't good nuff fer her own family, she hain't good 'nuff fer ours!"
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Old 07-31-2016, 08:03 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnday View Post
Somewhere, back in the hills of West Virginia, a mountain boy named Clem, met and fell in love with a mountain girl. One thing led to another, and eventually he asked her to marry him. She agreed, but first, he had to ask his mountain daddy if he could.
So Clem goes and asks. His Daddy asked if she could cook, "Wa yassir", said Clem.
"Good", said Daddy, "But can she milk a coaw, and butcher hawg?"
"Wa yassir", replied Clem.
Great", said Daddy. "One last question, is she is a virgin?"
"Wall yassir!",beamed Clem.
"Wall, that there settles it", said Daddy. "You caint marry her. Ifn she ain't good nuff fer her own family, she hain't good 'nuff fer ours!"
Where are you from?
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Old 07-31-2016, 08:10 PM   #8
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Where are you from?
Michigan. Same thing happens here, just thought I'd pick on West Virginia.
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Old 07-31-2016, 08:17 PM   #9
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Anyone know why us Scots wear kilts?











Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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Old 08-01-2016, 11:54 AM   #10
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Anyone know the difference between a battery and a woman?






















The battery has a positive side.
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