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Old 08-19-2013, 10:59 PM
  #21  
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Why do women from India where that colored dot in the middle of their foreheads?




So when you marry them, you get to scrape it off and see if you won a taxicab or a 7-11.....
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Old 08-20-2013, 07:32 AM
  #22  
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Two guys sporting fresh shiners under their left eye are aboard an airplane and the first one says, "Man! That's quite a shiner you've got there...what happened?"
To which the second guy says, "Aw man...it was just a case of where I slipped up on what I said. You see, there was this gal working the ticket counter that had these MASSIVE jugs and I couldn't get them out of my mind I guess, because when she asked, "Destination?", I said I need two pickets to titsburg, and she punched me! So, what's YOUR story?"
The first guy kind of shrugs and says, "Well, kind of the same thing, actually. I was eating breakfast this morning and I meant to say, "Honey, please pass the Wheaties", but instead it came out as, "You soul sucking bitch, you've ruined by f**king life!"
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:14 AM
  #23  
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The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets



Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for
Us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.




And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
Cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
You, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'



And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.




After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.




And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,they
Were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.




And Adam and Eve learned humility.


And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.



And Cat . . .


didn't give a **** one way or the other.
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:20 PM
  #24  
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^ Joe, that is awesome man!
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Old 08-21-2013, 01:45 PM
  #25  
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What the Fire Chief Said! Priceless!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgment of this,
Until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!!

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.
Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor. They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."
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Old 08-21-2013, 02:04 PM
  #26  
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A man goes to see his doctor for his regular checkup. After the exam, the doctor comes in with his head hung low. As the man completed dressing himself, the doctor says the the patient..."Well, I have good news and bad news". The man says to the doctor..."What's the bad news?". The doctor tells him..."you have cancer...and it's terminal!!". Sad by the news, the patient asks the doctor..."Whats the good news??". Doctor leans over to the patient and says, "you see that nurse over there?" The patient says "Yes". The doctor says..."I'm ****ing her"


SAME DOCTOR DIFFERENT PATIENT!!!

A man goes to see his doctor for his regular checkup. After the exam, the doctor comes in with his head hung low. As the man completed dressing himself, the doctor says the the patient..."Well, I have BAD news and really bad news". The man says to the doctor..."What's the bad news?". The doctor tells him..."you have cancer...and it's terminal!!". Sad by the news, the patient asks the doctor..."Whats the really bad news??". Doctor says..."You have Alzheimer's too!"...The patient, with a look of relief on his face says..."Whew, I thought you were going to tell me I had Cancer!!".
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Old 08-21-2013, 08:08 PM
  #27  
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Weiner Limerick

There once was a pervert named Weiner,


who had a perverted demeanor.

Forced from the hill for acting like Bill,

now Congress is one weiner leaner.



Moral: “If you tweet your meat, you lose your seat.”






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Old 08-22-2013, 01:06 PM
  #28  
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The captain of a warship is walking the deck one morning when a man comes running up. The man tells him they spotted an enemy ship that is bigger, faster, and loaded down with more fire power. The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt and prepare for battle!"
They win a glorious victory and afterwards the man asks the reason for him wanting the red shirt. The captain replies, "I did not want the men to see if I was wounded for it may have caused them to lose heart and panic."
The next day the same man comes running to the captain while he is studying charts in his cabin and tells him they are surrounded by over 20 enemy warships. The captain says, "... bring me my brown pants."
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Old 08-22-2013, 04:13 PM
  #29  
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I'm thinking about becoming a hit man. I hear they make a killing.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:23 AM
  #30  
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Obama is a two term president... biggest joke on the U.S. ever.
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