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Old 08-08-2013, 02:44 AM
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
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Old 08-08-2013, 02:50 AM
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A man goes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks. He finishes it then peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini. After he finishes it he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. After four double martinis the barman says, "Look, pal, I've been wondering why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket after each drink?" The customer replies, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good then I know it's time to go home."
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Old 08-08-2013, 01:02 PM
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
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Old 08-08-2013, 01:20 PM
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Subject: Damn It's Good to be a Man

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well rendered belch or fart is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of Thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
45 minutes.
Damn, It's Good To Be A Man
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Old 08-08-2013, 02:14 PM
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A Texan is in a Wisconsin bar bragging about his ranch. He is telling a dairy farmer how large his ranch in Texas is.
He tells the farmer his ranch is so large that if he gets into his pick-up truck and drives all day, he would not reach the other border of his ranch.
The Wisconsin dairy farmer thinks for a minute and then responds," I used to have a truck like that."
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Old 08-08-2013, 05:06 PM
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Elephants Never Forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Old 08-08-2013, 08:02 PM
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This one is so stupid that it is funny.


Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who? Car go Beep Beep!
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Old 08-09-2013, 12:08 AM
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Guys wife had packed all his belongings and put them at the front door. As she was kicking him out of the house she said, "I hope you die a slow and miserable death!" He stopped and looked at her and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
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Old 08-09-2013, 12:19 AM
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A funny joke? Woman's rights....


And before anyone gets butt hurt its only a joke
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Old 08-09-2013, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by jcavers View Post
A funny joke? Woman's rights....

And before anyone gets butt hurt its only a joke
Classic.
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